At a Loss for Words

You might say this is an attempt to find something to say.- about the current political situation. Something that hasn’t been said, something meaningful. I haven’t touched this blog since February 10. Like many of us (but clearly not all of us), I have been at a loss for words, for anything meaningful to offer.

Searching for a beginning, I find myself exploring synonyms…

… dumbfounded, speechless, shocked, in disbelief…stunned, surprised, incoherent, inarticulate …                              uncommunicative, overwhelmed….

That says something, doesn’t it? In the context of what is unfolding in the USA, this is perhaps not surprising. Some have launched themselves into active protest, communicating through showing up and through signs. Some have found meaningful action to take in their communities and in communicating with their Congressional representatives. Some political leaders and judges are speaking up in various ways, sometimes through actually “doing something.”  Many of us are at a loss for how to proceed.

This collection of words is a small attempt to explore this experience of being “at a loss for words,” memories we may associate with this state, and potential ways in which we might find ways to move beyond words…

 

When there are No Words…

 

As I began to contemplate this experience, I was surprised at the associations that initially flooded in. Memories of childhood, an only child with an alcoholic mother who drank too much every day and a father who was very busy at work every day. In adult therapy I also encountered an image of my mother changing my diapers and trying (for a few moments) to strangle me. I did not have words for feeling alone and unsafe (especially when she was driving the car), not having anyone to talk to. I was creative – with imaginary friends, and a rose garden where I could go and whisper to “Mother and Father God.” (In a family with no religious or spiritual leanings at all, I have always wondered where this came from. And I want to add that I have worked with this traumatic history for much of my life and can speak of it now with compassion for all involved….)

What I came to understand was the connection between this form of trauma and my history of stomach aches. At 12, I had stomach surgery on my umbilical cord area, which had both symbolic and practical dimensions. The stomach aches faded away, but the pattern of self-reliance and self-protection remained. The years of feeling alone and unsafe were, I believe, the source of a “core belief” that I recognized in my early 30’s: “I don’t need anyone” – although I didn’t recognize the connection at that point.

Many of us have had childhood experiences which carried various degrees of trauma. The point is that the body has powerful ways of communicating that are deeper than words. When confronted with potentially threatening experiences in adulthood, we may find ourselves, knowingly or unknowingly, to various degrees, retraumatized (and at times feeling familiar symptoms).

 

What We May Experience

 

So how is this relevant now?  Some of us who do not feel positive about what is unfolding since the recent election – that is an intentional understatement – find ourselves feeling deeply frightened. No control, powerless,  witnessing those in power taking dramatic actions that benefit them and their allies and threaten or actually harm those who do not match their criteria of “acceptable.” Some of us meet the “unacceptable” criteria, or fear we might in the near future…

This has happened before, here and elsewhere. “It can happen again.” Any deep trauma may well be triggered in our bodies – even before our minds fully recognize the threat.

Some of us are frozen, others avoidant (“what news?”).Some recognize the pattern (concentration camps are not that long ago), and are distraught – drawn to hide, flee, or sometimes jump into action before it’s too late…You may have come across a very condensed way of identifying the primary emotional responses to life:

 sad            scared            angry              happy

Simple, but perhaps helpful.

 

Beyond Words, With Each Other

 

So here we are. First and foremost, taking care of ourselves matters. It’s essential that we take time to recognize how we may be triggered, acknowledge what we are feeling, and find ways to tend to our distressed bodies – rest, walks, exercise, gentle yoga, exploring the potentially symbolic sensations (with help, therapy, as needed).  And it’s crucial tokeep going find support.

We may not be in exactly the same place as the others we talk to or read about or watch/hear on the screen. But many of us share some aspects of the sad/scared/angry territory these days, perhaps in our waking time and perhaps in our dreams. Amazing how somehow, we continue to get up in the morning and live our lives, making choices about what to do next.

We need each other. I’m grateful that my self-protective motto, “I don’t need anyone,” has faded over the years – and has no power now.  Life is urging us to find ways to connect, to share, to learn about resources that can help us keep going, and take the next step. Support may come from family, neighbors, friends, other parents, people who may share our religious/spiritual path, activists who may be nearby or distant-but-accessible through podcasts, news, television programs, substack, Facebook…  It is clear – from the size of the recent “Hands Off” protests around the country and even across the oceans – that we are not alone. We don’t know how this will all unfold, but we are being called to keep moving, keep supporting each other…

Find your sources of support and inspiration… use them, regularly!

I have found myself drawn to poetry and inspiring words wherever I can find them. Here is a favorite that reminds and inspires me…

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay