When it came to me that I wanted to explore aging, the first thing I needed was a definition… so it turns out that AI (Artificial Intelligence, the new respondent to Google searches these days) says 65 is the age at which we begin aging.
That came as a shock. So I’ve apparently been aging for longer than I thought! It must be time to learn more – and reflect more – about the nature of this stage of life. But there are other perspectives: we’re “officially old” in our mid-70’s, and according to the Harris poll, 80 is the median age that people today consider to be old. Whew… 65 isn’t the only option!
And “seniors” isn’t even the preferred or “correct” term to use any more: age-inclusive language suggests “older adults.”
Definition
I’m going to stay with AI for a little longer – it’s so impressively impersonal.
“Aging is a natural process that involves the gradual deterioration of physiological functions over time, which can lead to a decline in physical and mental capacity.” It’s caused by the “accumulation of molecular and cellular damage over time,” and its effects are “increased risk of disease and death.”
So make no mistake – it’s a downhill slope to death. And on some level we realize this, despite our general cultural aversion to death. Many years ago I had the life-changing privilege of spending a few days with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in a gathering focused on meeting grief and death. It was, to say the least, powerful (and the time ended, believe it or not, with a rainbow, which didn’t surprise Elisabeth in the least.) That was one of the openings that led to my work in hospice and my focus on loss and grief.
Of course, grief and death are not limited to aging. They can come at any time, any age… but I’ll stay with the aging theme here. The point is that this definition of aging clearly focuses on “deterioration,” “decline,” and “risk.” At least it’s recognized to be natural…
Professional Descriptions of Aging
The Mayo Clinic offers a discussion of the changes that aging can bring in the body and brain, with the headline “What to expect.” Here are the changes that are likely:
- the cardiovascular system: stiffening of the blood vessels and arteries
- bones, joints, and muscles: bones shrink in size and density, become more vulnerable to fracture, muscles lose strength
- digestive system: structural changes in the large intestine can mean more constipation
- bladder and urinary tract: likelihood of more incontinence
- memory and thinking skills: “minor effects on your memory or thinking skills. For example, healthy older adults might forget familiar names or words, or they may find it more difficult to multitask.”
- There’s more…. briefly, changes in relation to eyes, ears, teeth, skin, weight, sexuality
A snapshot of possibilities. Other sources of information include the World Health Organization (WHO), the National Council on Aging, and here’s a quote from the National Institute on Aging: “The world is facing a situation without precedent: We soon will have more older people than children and more people at extreme old age than ever before.”
Yes, this is a challenge – we need to have more care available, and more financial resources. And – I find myself wondering if there are also gentler, more loving ways to approach this reality…
Making Space for Compassion, Kindness, and Respect
I’m reaching for different lenses – for ourselves as we age, for the aging people in our lives, communities, and countries. I don’t mean to minimize the difficulties that may arise – they are real and can definitely be challenging.
And/but what else is there? What about respect for a life of many experiences? interest in life stories? What if we honor the struggles and the learning that has unfolded? Is there still room for listening – to memories, to accounts of suffering, confusion, and joy, honoring the wisdom that may have accumulated over the years? Do you have the sense (as I do), that there seems to be less respect for elders, a tendency to “set them aside,” to resent the time, energy, and money that might be involved in making sure they are physically cared for? The fast pace of life contributes to this tendency to “set them aside,” because our (time to put myself in the elder category!) pace may be slower…
We elders have made mistakes, learned a lot, and if invited, may have small or large “wisdoms” to share. And of course, we may appear worried, anxious or depressed – and we may get impatient or cranky at times. Many of us tend to be forgetful – without an actual diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer’s (which we fear…). And we bring our personalities into our later years, perhaps with an added dash of arrogance or self-doubt.
And still….
Valuing Elder Wisdom
Many of us have weathered challenges of all kinds, including loss and grief. With an invitation, and some support, we may have various kinds of wisdom to share. Respect for Elder Wisdom – once relatively common – seems to be relatively rare these days. So we may not be surprised to learn that there are organizations and people who focus specifically on highlighting its importance.
A quick online search brings some hope:
- Wisdom of Elders – Living Ways Foundation. Living Ways Foundation (LWF) defines elders as those who carry deep wisdom and practical knowledge for the betterment of individuals, communities, and the world. Wisdom is defined as the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment, together with an ability to discern inner qualities and relationships.
- Restoring Connections values Elder Wisdom. “We are committed to positive aging and serve individuals nearing or in retirement with programs focused on the spirituality of aging and the gifts that elders bring to the community. Elder Wisdom nourishes the spiritual, social, and intellectual life of individuals 55 and up.”
- Native American cultures have a long history of honoring elders as revered individuals who provide wisdom and leadership for their Tribes by exuding grace, wisdom, and gentleness in their daily words … (We R Native, https://www.wernative.org)
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross felt to me like a Wise Elder, with an intimate understanding of grief and sorrow, a capacity to be fully available and present in the midst of deep emotional challenges, and a willingness to teach and support others. We will not all be like that, but can we honor those who offer this kind of presence and keep cultivating our own patience, compassion (for self and others), and respect?
Aging can bring suffering – and it can also be a gift. We don’t all get to receive the gift of aging, but if we do, what if the invitation is to pass on what we have gathered over the years? In small or large ways, we can share some of the gifts we have accumulated along the way, and our gratitude…. We can offer love, and a little wisdom.
“The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes.” Frank Lloyd Wright
“Aging is not ‘lost youth’ but a new stage of opportunity and strength.” Betty Friedan
“Age is just a number. Life and aging are the greatest gifts that we could possibly ever have.” Cicely Tyson